Relationships

Today I find myself reflecting on the relationships in my life. Some old, some new, some tarnished, some inspirational. Some bring sadness from which I discover a new growth in my character. Some bring such great joy to which I have to actually learn how to embrace and be part of that joy. But there is no one relationship I have or ever have had that meets the standard of perfect.

No relationship is perfect.

My relationship with myself is far from perfect but as I sat down to read out of my inspirational book I was reminded of a phrase that I seldom forget.

"Progress, not perfection, is our goal..."

I am learning to be wary of my need for perfection. The more I need, or want, perfection, the more I see myself as not good enough. What I do, what I strive to do, is not good enough. The role I play in my relationships is not good enough. 

But then I stop my thinking. I take a deep breath. I close my eyes. I release my inner anguish. I remember that I need to be honest with myself as to the direct roles I am playing. I need to take an honest personal inventory of my thoughts, actions, and reactions. I need to ask myself if I did the best I could have done in each circumstance. I need to ask myself if I made the best choices. I need to ask myself if I reacted fairly to the situations of my day and the people in it. 

If I cannot honestly answer yes to all of those questions then I know that I contributed to the negative forces that inevitably affect all of those around me either directly or indirectly.

But then I have to let go. If I dwell on where I went wrong or who I affected negatively then it will hinder my progress to move forward with knowledge and tools needed to make the next day better than the last. 

Progress. Process. Patience. Understanding. 

I am slowly learning how to accept and change myself to be able to better myself internally in which will better my relationships with those I have been privileged to have. 

Which now brings me back to relationships.

"Kindness and intelligence don't always deliver us from the pitfalls and traps. There is no way to take the danger out of human relationships."

~~Barbara Grizzuti Harrison

I am learning now that relationships are vital in every aspect of our lives. They help us to escape the loneliness that can so easily consume us eventually triggering our minds to regress and spiral into a negative state of doubting all of which surrounds us. The loneliness turns to despair and we eventually become blind to the positive influences and moments that when we open our minds, are always jumping out of odd moments in a blissful surprise.

I also am gaining an understanding that relationships do not guarantee any kind of release or freedom from feeling pain.

"There's a risk in human relationships, and it's often accompanied by pain. But I am guaranteed growth, and I will find the happiness I seek. I will reach out to someone today."

~~Karen Casey

Strong words. Especially to me given the complicated nature of the relationships in my life right at this very moment.

My relationships seem to be filled with so much pain, stress, misunderstandings, miscommunication, stubbornness, drama... Each relationship is intertwined with the next and when one falters negatively, it is almost like the telephone game we used to play as kids, where each relationship gets a dose of what preceded it and the next gets some of that but tweaked to the point where all are confused as to how it got to be so incredibly complicated. Almost too complicated for words to even make sense of it.

 I have one relationship right now that seems to be exhausting all ends. Feelings get hurt, but the lack of communication makes it unknown to the other party, therefore festering. Words get misconstrued, but both parties are so stubborn that neither will sit and talk about it in a calm adult like manner. Communications get cut. Opinions are made that really seem so silly now to me, although they are quite serious. Loneliness creeps in from the missing joys of that relationship. Sadness appears like a gust of wind for how easily that one relationship has seem to fade away. Now in it's place appears a mirage. One of wild imaginations as to what the relationship should be, could be, was, is.

Loneliness creeps in.

I am so exhausted and confused as to how this relationship got to be so extremely complicated.

And now it trickles into other relationships around me. It seeps into my deepest thoughts. It consumes a big majority of my emotions. It creates the opportunity for me to regress back into a state of self doubt and negative perceptions of myself and who I am and what my meaning is to those around me.

I no doubtedly have made some bad choices. I can honestly admit that. I have reacted in terrible ways, for myself, and it doesn't make me proud. I have asked myself if I have done the best I could in this relationship and the challenges we have faced, and I cannot honestly say yes. I have tried to believe that I was perfect in my side of this relationship, but it's a lie. I have not done my best by far. I have held onto things of the past that have just festered into this anger and rage and unfair judgements of the present. I know now that I need to find a way to let go of the past.

That is exactly what it is. The PAST. I need to find a way to move on and live for today. I own my negative influences in this relationship. I am sorry for my reactions. I am ready to let go. Forgive not only the past actions the other has delivered over time, but I also forgive myself for my faults.

"Self pity need not cage me today..."

I am letting go of the need to feel sorry for myself and to stop feeling like I am the victim. I can only hope that the other party can find a way to do the same in all of the understanding that mistakes were made on both parts, but the relationship is so wonderful and always has been, and we need to find the positives once again. In turn, I hope that it not only heals within each of us, but it might help heal the indirect influence it has had on those around us as well.

I read this quote that didn't make much sense to me til right about now, after I have attempted to spill out my thoughts which have exceedingly consumed me.

"And what a delight it is to make friends with someone you have despised!" ~~Colette

"what does it mean to say we "despise" someone? Usually it means that we have invested a lot of energy in negative feelings; it means that we have let ourselves care deeply about someone. We would never say we "despised" someone who wasn't important to us....Sometimes that negative energy became almost an obsession, consuming our time, gnawing at our self-esteem. But in recovery there comes a moment of lightning change; a moment of release from the bonds of obsession. The other person is, after all, just another person--a seeker, like ourselves. And since we cared enough to devote our time and energies to disliking her, she is probably someone who would be rewarding to know...Today, I will look into my heart and see whether I am clinging to obsessive concerns with other people. I will resolve to let them go."

~Each Day a New Beginning

December 30

So I resolve today to let go of my feelings of a negative force. I resolve to do so not only in that one complicated, yet desired, relationship with someone whom I honestly care deeply for, but in all relationships where I have chosen to obsess over the negative concerns that have in turn, quite possibly, clouded my own judgement. I will embrace the meaning that today and each day thereafter, is a new beginning.