Bulimia is no joke. It is a serious disease.

"Because society would rather we always wore a pretty face, women have been trained to cut off anger"
Nancy Friday

So today I have tons on my mind and am not sure where to begin. It has been a while since I blogged and I owe that to the fact that I had my tooth extraction which resulted in a dry socket followed by a massive infection that affected the whole right side of my face. I don't know if you have ever had an infection in your mouth but the way it radiates through your face and head is unbelievably intense and when you try to find focus it is nearly impossible. In fact, it kinda makes your world stop as you cannot remember half of what went on around you. Your world becomes a blur. Your thoughts mesh into one another and you cannot remember who said what, where you put things, what you ate, what day it is, or how you survived through limited functionality without hurting someone.

At least I didn't drive during that time.

Not to say I wish I had taken better care of myself and addressed the issue in the beginning. My dentist, a kind and understanding man, took my many calls over the Thanksgiving weekend, offered to see me before I left for Las Vegas, which I declined out of guilt, and was sensitive enough to my pain to help me make it back home comfortably until I could get into his office. I wish now I had taken him up on his offer to see me over the weekend, but I felt so guilty taking his attention away from his family, yet I knew deep down that his wife would have understood. She is wholeheartedly kind and forgiving of things and generous and sweet in a way I have been blessed to experience.

I went to Las Vegas on a birthday girls trip the Sunday after Thanksgiving. It was the first time that I have ever left without my husband or children. It was liberating and fun and crazy at times and, as the old saying goes, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

When I first decided to go public about my eating disorder I was terrified. I was afraid of what others would think. I was putting their thoughts and reactions, that had not yet occurred, ahead of what I knew was best for me. But then I took a step back and realized that it was vital in my own self to be open and honest about my bulimia to others in order to hold myself to a recovery that was honest to me. If I kept it a secret from those around me then I was more likely to keep the realism of how bad it (the eating disorder) was to me. I would keep lying to myself, as I had been for years, that I was still in control and that I didn't have a problem. So by being open and honest with others, I have learned to be completely open and honest with myself. I cannot control how others feel, react, think, or judge me or any situation, so why was I so worried about what they might think? I know who I am and what I want for myself and I had to honor that first.

When I was approached by the news to be part of a story on the realism of housewives desperate to be perfect and the ways we might deal with that false perception, I was immediately on board but then began to worry about what kind of response I might get being so publicly open. Then I sat down with my husband and we came to the conclusion that to each is their own. Some might find it inspiring, others might be disgusted by it, some might think I am crazy, maybe some might find it ridiculous. But at the end of the day if I am doing what is best for me and I am recovering in the most effective way possible for me then I need not worry about what might be said. That is out of my control anyway. What is in my control is how I react and how I process those things and how I choose to let it affect me. I have had great response and support from most until very recently.

 

But what kills me is the lack of seriousness about bulimia. It is no joke. It is not something to be taken lightly. I think that is what I am hung up on.

 

Let me assure you, it is a disease. No matter who is dealing with it, it takes control of you and you loose all senses of reality, giving into the darkness that possess your perceptions of yourself along with your perceptions of the world around you.

Bulimia can kill.

Many have died from it. I truly believe that if I continued on the path I was on, to the extent of severity I was allowing, not woken up one day scared to death of the reflection in the mirror, I would not be sitting here now sharing my story with you. Hoping that maybe, just maybe, I will help someone else who is feeling as scared and alone as I once was.

Bulimia is no joke.

It's not cancer. I know that. But still, it can kill.

I choose to live.

It's not easy but I am fighting.

"Anger is an emotion. Not a bad one, nor a good one...We can get free of our anger if we choose to take action appropriate to it. Anger can be a healthy prompter of action...when no action is taken, anger turns inward, negatively influencing our perception of all experiences, all human interaction...It's okay for me for me to be angry today. It's growthful, if I use it for good."

Instead of harvesting and ignoring my anger I am using the emotion as a tool to push harder, fight harder, press harder to raise awareness. Not only for me but for my children's future...