Confidence...A bold challenge

"She lacks confidence, she craves admiration insatiably. She lives on the reflections of herself in the eyes of others. She does not dare to be herself."

~Anais Nin

Right now I am sitting at my computer listening to Katy Perry's 'Firework'.  My daughter is sitting at her little desk working on arts and crafts belting out as loud as possible the chorus lines that she knows, humming the rest that she is still learning. My son is tucked peacefully in his bed for a nap that is much needed yet low in supply. My husband is once again on the road after spending 8 hours with us in between destinations. I was sitting in my chair, empty mind, staring at the falling snow, beautiful in the sky, but once it touches ground immediately fades into it's surroundings as if it never existed. I feel calm. Peaceful. Yet, sad and lonely. 

I love the song 'Firework' and love it even more now that I have found the time to watch the music video on YouTube. It's funny actually how much a song catches your inner music loving voice, captivating you to listen to it over and over, singing it in your head while you go about your daily tasks, and all the while you have absolutely no idea what all the words are or even what the message or meaning truly is. I even googled the lyrics and sang along to them unaware completely til I watched the video. Out of the three put together came screaming one word to me, Confidence.

Something I struggle with daily.

So often we worry about what others think of ourselves, so much so, we loose our inner identity to what we believe is expected of us from the outside world and those who surround us. It is a battle that will never be won until we can side with ourselves and cease to let others dictate who or what we think we should be. Until we find confidence in ourselves.

Once again I have pulled out my best book friend, The Dictionary. Oh how I am loving my relationship with the knowledge it possesses and the inspiration it provides me in my quest of growth. When I would cower in fear from teachings in books or from other people because of my lack of knowledge in the context of communications, I am now understanding that I too can posses that same knowledge, if I allow myself.

Confidence, as stated in my dictionary, is firm trust; feeling of reliance or certainty; sense of self reliance's; boldness.

How often I lack trust in myself. Especially firm trust. I honestly do not believe I have ever possessed a "firm trust" in myself. If I have, it was only brief, and it was followed immediately by doubt. Self doubt. Something I battle every day.

And every day I seem to miss out on things out of my lack of confidence. I do miss activities because I am scared of the impression I may or may not leave. I don't initiate conversations because I am not confident in my message to others whether it be remorse for a previous action or simply to share with another that they are on my mind and I care for their presence in my life. I desperately crave acceptance from others almost too much. Actually maybe any craving of acceptance is deemed too much. Why do we need to be accepted by others instead of solely accepting ourselves. Maybe we need assurance in who we are more so than acceptance.

'Firework' starts off by saying,

"Do you ever feel like a plastic bag,

Drifting through the wind,

Wanting to start again.

Do you ever feel  so paper thin,

Like a house of cards,

One blow from caving in.

Do you ever feel already buried deep,

Six feet under, scream,

But no one seems to hear a thing..."

Oh so often, that is me. I have, on occasion, sat and watched that one plastic bag drift through the wind, seemingly free, then fall, then lift again. It would bring me comfort in an unusual way. But today, I see a different meaning. I do feel at times like I am drifting, falling, and not just wanting, but needing, to start again. And then there are the days I feel so buried deep in the overwhelmingly chaotic struggle to stay on top of my world with chores and kids and responsibilities. I struggle to make good choices and yet fall into those old bad habits and then struggle to climb up again. Then those choices haunt me til I can grasp the tools to let go. And I feel like I am screaming for help and no one hears me. But then I realize that I am creating my misery and it's not the responsibility of others. And it hits me, I have no sense of self-reliance or firm trust in myself. 

The song then goes on to say,

"Do you know that there's still a chance for you,

Cause there's a spark in you.

You just gotta ignite the light,

And let it shine,

Just own the night,

Like the Fourth of July.

Cause baby you're a firework,

Come on show 'em what your worth..."

So comes my inspiration. Inspiration to fight harder for confidence in who I am. Some days it feels as if there is no way up. No way to heal, grow, change, conquer. But deep down, I do know there is a chance for me to shine, although I am blinded by my fears and lack of confidence. 

As I watched the music video I was reminded that although we all have our differences in our struggles, we all have the possibility to choose to fight back and overcome what taunts us, which in turn, makes a difference in how we are perceived by others. More often than not, those perceptions are positive of the strengths we posses. I often hide, safe in my home, away from the many eyes of the world that might actually see one of my many imperfections. I tuck myself cozily into the many unimportant handling's of my house to occupy my time and my focus in hopes that if I don't have to face the outside world then I don't have to battle with my distorted perceptions of myself. Hence, my bulimic struggles. My over-analyzations. My self-doubt. My unhealthy image of who I am or who I should be. My feelings of exhaustion from battling myself.

Self-reliance. Firm trust. Those are things I know I need to work on. 

"Nothing makes a woman more beautiful than the belief that she is beautiful."

~ Sophia Loren

Once again, Confidence comes into play. To be beautiful to others and worthy of others assurance, I can't focus on acceptance, I must first find the tools to play into my roots and nourish them so they can be worthy of filling me with the confidence I so desire.

I have made my second goal of the new year. To find my confidence. No longer do I just have a goal of overcoming bulimia to be healthy. I know, now, after much deliberation, that it is deeper than that. There is more to the overall picture. Patience, Confidence, Trust, Acceptance, Courage, Wisdom...It is about changing my life and my thinking. So today, I focus on Confidence.

I  

Patience

Patience n. Perseverance; ability to endure; forbearance.

I find myself quite surprised by the bluntly, short definition of the word patience in my trusty dictionary. To me patience is such a strong and powerful word as it holds a sense of well being in us all. For without patience we would experience chaos. Not only with the world but within ourselves.

We want what we want when we want it.

Especially my 2 and 4 year olds.

Today they seem to be trying what feels is my last ounce of patience. And as a direct result I find I am lacking focus. I am feeling a tug of anxiety in me, pulling me in fifty different directions, fogging up my inner voice, casting a shadow of doubts over every choice I make, taunting me with the many choices of poisonous reactions that would numb me in the moment but would surely create a larger conflict of regret. After I have made a certain choice I am wondering if it was the right one. Then immediately comes the next. And the next. And the next.

Then there is more trying of my patience.

My head fills up with something I cannot quite grasp and I feel like I'm going to explode in so many ways.

Breathe.

Again.

Breathe.

Focus.

Patience.

For a child, patience is a difficult lesson to learn. They hear you say they need to wait and be patient and they will see the result they are looking for, but they don't grasp a hold of what that big word really means. So come the screams, fights, temper tantrums, tears, and at times, the blow up of a frustrated parent who has just demonstrated themselves the exact opposite of patience.

It all can be so confusing. Frustrating. Difficult.

Then I look at the thesaurus part of my definition and find that the common synonyms for patience are tolerance, restraint, fortitude, diligence, stoicism, assiduity...amongst others.

Reading those words gives me a headache filled with more confusion since I have absolutely NO idea what some of those words even are! So I find myself pondering whether or not patience is truly a virtue.

But I come back to the word tolerance. That is something I do quite often, tolerate an action. I tolerate quite a lot actually in hopes of avoiding conflict. But I never viewed my toleration's as patience.

I do know that patience is something you have to train yourself to master. Like learning how to ride a bike, paint, dance, cook; but taking it to the next level of skill. You have to practice it frequently. Consistently. Calmly. If not, disaster is likely to occur.

Today is one that possesses the possibility of that disaster. And I have to tell you that it is not easy for me to be patient right now. It seems almost as if I am being tested. The challenges are hitting me square in the face, one right after the other. In fact they are hitting so fast and so hard I have already been cursing the new year! Between Scott's immediate travels, the kiddos being sick, the tug-o-war of authority, the stresses of every day responsibilities that I am falling behind on, the exhaustion that doesn't seem to end, and the added unknowns of our well beings currently being tested, I am finding I am lacking the patience that would comfort myself and those around me.

I will share something personal with you that is quite possibly contributing to my lack of patience.

With the medical history that I have had and the vitality of scares it has presented me in the past, I now am finding myself face to face with yet another challenge. One that could turn out to be nothing. But it is one that holds so much power over my ability to control my fears that if it should turn out to be something then that something will be much bigger than all of the past nothings combined. I sit at the computer and browse the Internet researching the many possibilities that in turn add to the magnitude of worry. But what I should be doing is practicing that one simple word, Patience, and wait. Channel my energies to more important things than worry.

I know this. I can say this. But I find that I struggle to implement this knowledge I surprisingly possess and am trying to teach my children.

How can we be teachers to others if we cannot teach ourselves?

So in this new year, which honestly does not feel any different than the days we have been living, I have made it a personal goal to be more patient. Not just with others but with myself. I think it is a monumental key element in my self discovery, self healing and internal growth.

And once again, my mind has wandered aimlessly throughout my typings.

But funny thing is, I feel so much better having spilled it all out while working through my experiences of the moment in my mind. And while you may find it confusing, I have actually made more sense in my over-analyzing, over-processing, warped mind. I can breathe easier. My head is not so full of pressure. My body is relaxed. I have conquered patience which has in turn rewarded me with the passing of the many poisonous reactions that tempted me in my brief moment of stress related insanity.

"I am participating in a much bigger picture than the one in my individual prayers. And the big picture is being carefully orchestrated. I will trust the part I have been chosen to play. And I can be patient."

~Each Day a New Beginning