Patience

Patience n. Perseverance; ability to endure; forbearance.

I find myself quite surprised by the bluntly, short definition of the word patience in my trusty dictionary. To me patience is such a strong and powerful word as it holds a sense of well being in us all. For without patience we would experience chaos. Not only with the world but within ourselves.

We want what we want when we want it.

Especially my 2 and 4 year olds.

Today they seem to be trying what feels is my last ounce of patience. And as a direct result I find I am lacking focus. I am feeling a tug of anxiety in me, pulling me in fifty different directions, fogging up my inner voice, casting a shadow of doubts over every choice I make, taunting me with the many choices of poisonous reactions that would numb me in the moment but would surely create a larger conflict of regret. After I have made a certain choice I am wondering if it was the right one. Then immediately comes the next. And the next. And the next.

Then there is more trying of my patience.

My head fills up with something I cannot quite grasp and I feel like I'm going to explode in so many ways.

Breathe.

Again.

Breathe.

Focus.

Patience.

For a child, patience is a difficult lesson to learn. They hear you say they need to wait and be patient and they will see the result they are looking for, but they don't grasp a hold of what that big word really means. So come the screams, fights, temper tantrums, tears, and at times, the blow up of a frustrated parent who has just demonstrated themselves the exact opposite of patience.

It all can be so confusing. Frustrating. Difficult.

Then I look at the thesaurus part of my definition and find that the common synonyms for patience are tolerance, restraint, fortitude, diligence, stoicism, assiduity...amongst others.

Reading those words gives me a headache filled with more confusion since I have absolutely NO idea what some of those words even are! So I find myself pondering whether or not patience is truly a virtue.

But I come back to the word tolerance. That is something I do quite often, tolerate an action. I tolerate quite a lot actually in hopes of avoiding conflict. But I never viewed my toleration's as patience.

I do know that patience is something you have to train yourself to master. Like learning how to ride a bike, paint, dance, cook; but taking it to the next level of skill. You have to practice it frequently. Consistently. Calmly. If not, disaster is likely to occur.

Today is one that possesses the possibility of that disaster. And I have to tell you that it is not easy for me to be patient right now. It seems almost as if I am being tested. The challenges are hitting me square in the face, one right after the other. In fact they are hitting so fast and so hard I have already been cursing the new year! Between Scott's immediate travels, the kiddos being sick, the tug-o-war of authority, the stresses of every day responsibilities that I am falling behind on, the exhaustion that doesn't seem to end, and the added unknowns of our well beings currently being tested, I am finding I am lacking the patience that would comfort myself and those around me.

I will share something personal with you that is quite possibly contributing to my lack of patience.

With the medical history that I have had and the vitality of scares it has presented me in the past, I now am finding myself face to face with yet another challenge. One that could turn out to be nothing. But it is one that holds so much power over my ability to control my fears that if it should turn out to be something then that something will be much bigger than all of the past nothings combined. I sit at the computer and browse the Internet researching the many possibilities that in turn add to the magnitude of worry. But what I should be doing is practicing that one simple word, Patience, and wait. Channel my energies to more important things than worry.

I know this. I can say this. But I find that I struggle to implement this knowledge I surprisingly possess and am trying to teach my children.

How can we be teachers to others if we cannot teach ourselves?

So in this new year, which honestly does not feel any different than the days we have been living, I have made it a personal goal to be more patient. Not just with others but with myself. I think it is a monumental key element in my self discovery, self healing and internal growth.

And once again, my mind has wandered aimlessly throughout my typings.

But funny thing is, I feel so much better having spilled it all out while working through my experiences of the moment in my mind. And while you may find it confusing, I have actually made more sense in my over-analyzing, over-processing, warped mind. I can breathe easier. My head is not so full of pressure. My body is relaxed. I have conquered patience which has in turn rewarded me with the passing of the many poisonous reactions that tempted me in my brief moment of stress related insanity.

"I am participating in a much bigger picture than the one in my individual prayers. And the big picture is being carefully orchestrated. I will trust the part I have been chosen to play. And I can be patient."

~Each Day a New Beginning