I almost gave up.
I almost quit my blog.
I let two people almost get the best of me.
Then, I watched Barbra Walters and her interviews of the most intriguing people of 2010.
Jennifer Lopez was one of those people. I couldn't tell you exactly what was said in the interview ver-batim, but, I can tell you that the conversation was close to the following...
"What did they say about your voice?" BW
"What haven't they said about my voice...how I can't hold a tune...look at me now." J Lo.
Then it hit me. So what if someone doesn't like what I have to say? What if someone thinks I should be saying more than I am or less? What if they think I hold a responsibility that is not mine to hold?
WHY should I let them dictate what makes me feel better? What gives me purpose. What I essentially believe might actually help someone esle with their own struggles. Bulimia, Alcoholism, Cutting, Annorexia, Obesity, Meth... We all have a commonality and that is we turn to something toxic to cope with struggles we all share but don't quite understand, nor have the capability, to throw it away. Or so we think.
We all are dealing with the same stresses and struggles. Some worse than others. Some of us have always had the guidance and tools to make us confident in dealing, while some of us have been shown that it is easier to mask a problem with the above, and some not mentioned, and we find it has been programmed into our minds to hide our stuggles and numb ourselves to the realities we are scared to face.
Point in check.
I have a friend. It has been a rocky road in our friendship. But let me tell you, she is an AMAZING woman with a potential far greater than she is capable of seeing in herself.
You might look at her and me and step back while processing our addictions, alcoholism for her, bulima for me, and you might say to yourself dumb and dumber. You might look at us and say to yourself, "oh well, this is the life she chose..." and go on your merry way. It happens a lot. More than you might think possible or ever imagine.
Let me tell you a secret.
This is not something we "chose" to do lightly. Instead, just as with any kind of toxic addiction, it kind of just happens. Then it spirals out of control.
My heart is heavy for my friend. I just spent Thanksgiving with her and I knew then, as I do now, that she needs help. More than I can fully give, but yet, she needs something from me as I need from others.
An unconditional friend.
I don't judge her, but funny thing I just realized this very moment of typing, I judge myself. I don't fault her. I know she is hurting, as am I. I know that when you have a 2, 3, or 4 year old pushing every last button you posess, it is easy to cave into that desire to turn to the numbing poison of choice. I know that when your husband is having a bad day and you can do nothing to make it better, again you want to turn to that poison. I know that when you look in the mirror angry at whatever emotions you let consume you, unintentionally, as you know you deserve better, you STILL want to and do turn to your numbing poisonous action of choice.
Oh my God. Right now, I can't find the courage to kiss the man I love more than anything out of fear of what might be felt or thought about the gaping hole in my line of teeth. Or should I have my fake tooth to fill the hole and make him feel like I am a teenager wearing a retainer. OR do I get so very drunk so I don't give a second thought about it and enjoy the moment.
What about when I go out into public forgetting to wear my fake tooth. I laugh out loud in the moment exposing this hiddeous sight I believe to be so blatantly realisticly obvious to everyone else when in fact they might not even notice. (But then I say yea right! It is so freaking obvious)
You know right now I have so many thoughts and issues racing through my head that I don't know how to make them go away, or process to let go, or even deal. I feel like I am the dumber one of all.
I was dumb to trust certain people and events.
I was dumb to believe that I could "properly" deal with events and emotions.
I was dumb to even think for one second that just because I got two, 2, TWO, negative remarks, I should give up and quit. Because if I let someone else dictate my emotions, my actions, or my process of dealing with events, then I am no better than they.
If my friend let her alcoholism dictate her every move then she would not be seeking help right now, again, as she is and I would not be so proud of her for her courage to fight back.
I have problems. I know you do too. We all do. But we all fight to deal with them the best we know how. None is perfectly right or perfectly wrong or even perfectly bad. They are just perfectly us. We each have a duty in our lives right now. To find peace within ourselves no matter what others might think. To be comfortable within ourselves.
Oh wow! So much easier said than done.
My struggles of the week are those of dealing with my fussy, clingy, two year old whom just had surgery getting his tonsils and adnoids removed ON my birthday. Not easy. Sleep is almost exinct for me. I am sick. I am tired. I am overwhelmed. I have not chosen the best ways to deal with it but I am trying to find a way to focus on the positive points of my day. Trying.
Am I so dumb to believe that I have a right at this very moment to cry?
I feel like I am.
No comments:
Post a Comment