My goal with my blog

So I started my blog as a way to express the emotions, struggles, and events that come along the way in my journey to overcome my issues with bulimia. "Perfect Mom, Perfectly Bad Secret" was the perfect title as it expresses the fact of my desire to uphold an image of perfection to the outside world and in doing so I lost sight of who I truly was, what I was capable of, the ability to handle situations in a rational manner, and yet I was upholding this incredibly bad secret from my husband, friends, family, and most of all, myself.

I still struggle on a daily basis to uphold that image. I am learning that it is not so important to look so perfectly composed to the outside world. I am learning that if my house is a mess because I am too tired, so be it. I am learning that it is OK to cry in company of friends or even a stranger. I am human. I am learning many lessons of life as I spend each and every day finding the strength to recover. I am not yet there to believe every lesson or grasp a hold of them to be able to make acting out those lessons an every day thing. I struggle each and every day.

I am not here to tell anyone how to recover from an eating disorder. I am still figuring that out myself.

I am not here to tell anyone what is right or what is wrong. I am no professional.

I am here to express my feelings. My thoughts. My emotions. My battles. My victories. My pain. My life journey.

I am not strictly speaking to any one person. I hope that others who know me and know what I am going through develop a better understanding as to who I am and why I do the things I do. I hope to release my thoughts and feelings and as I do so publicly, I hold a responsibility to  to maintain a piece of integrity and pure honesty within myself. If I cannot be open and honest in my blog about what is in my head and the actions I am performing or experiencing then I cannot heal in a true way. I owe it to myself to be honest about my disease. This is me being honest.

I am not here to steer anyone in a specific direction. If you like what you read and find it touches you in some way, fantastic! If you don't like what you read, that is fine too. I am not here to do anything specific other than share my story, heal, recover, throw out and let go of what is inside me so I can move on.

I have had several inquiries about my blog that seem to be question my intentions. I intend to help myself. I intend to share my story. I intend to heal. I intend to survive. I intend to find a way to let go of the desperate need of perfection. I intend to find peace within myself to love myself the way that I am. I intend to let go of the need of control.

I can change only myself.

I can choose only my own reactions.

I can choose my own path.

I can choose to do what I believe is in the best interest of me.

I can choose to choose better.

I can choose.

So I choose to continue to blog. Not about one specific thing. Not about one specific anything other than my life. Bulimia right now is a huge part of that life. My struggles to accept my missing tooth, the infections, the pains, the emotional battles, the impact on others, the way I perceive myself. Those are all things I am struggling with right now. I blog to let go of the pain. Let go of the negative emotion.

I am taking care of myself for myself and for my family.

I'm not perfect, oh how I wish I was, but I am doing the best I can.