I know I am supposed to be writing about the amazing day on the river with my brother but for some reason I am not ready to give details. Maybe it is because I enjoyed it so much I want to be a bit selfish and save it for myself or maybe I am just plain lazy and can't seem to convince my mind that it needs to work. Either way it will be transferred into words when I am ready.
But speaking of a lazy mind...My mind has been incredibly lazy lately and it is driving me insane! I look around my house at the endless chores that require my full attention and I know they need to be tackled yet I have no burning desire to get them done. How lazy is that! Although I do have the mindset to scold my daughter for the monumental mess that has piled up but I am doing nothing to help rectify the situation.
Instead I find myself pushing myself to pull out the treadmill and work a program on it for an hour, before that though I do a strength training program with the tools available to me in my house, and I feel that at the end of each I should be able to find the energy to go about my chore filled day as I used to be able to, but I feel lost. I feel emotionally drained to the point of an emptiness that never seems to get filled. The satisfaction of accomplishment knowing that the house is clean and perfectly habitual for my family should be enough of a motivation. But all I want to do is sleep. I want to sit and do nothing. So the feeling gets darker and deeper and my body just won't perform the way I want it to.
I would like to blame it on the fact that we have had a long two months. Between the multiple injuries, broken down cars, sicknesses that pile up one after the other, mouse infestation, vacation with it's demands, being a single mom through most of it, having new challenges pop up each day faster than I can process...I am just plain flat out exhausted.
Quit complaining right? The thing is I seldom do complain. Instead I bottle up my emotions, feelings, stress and hang onto them til the point of breaking. Take two nights ago for example. Just picture me curled up on my bed sobbing in my husbands arms because my bottle overflowed and I could no longer hold onto another ounce of emotions. So I emptied a few. Not many but a few, enough to get me through the next day or so and now I am just tired. Tired of being tired. Tired of fighting to be healthy because let me tell you it is not easy. It would be so much easier to quit and give up, reverting to my old habits which are still there, and live the way I was. But I know it would not last very long before I would end up in the hospital or even worse, dead. So I keep fighting. But I am so freaking tired of it!
Where is my Fairy Godmother with her magic wand? I could really use her help right about now. My kids would appreciate it to because then their mother would not be so stressed that she snaps at the most asinine things instantly regretting her behavior and they would have nothing but sheer illuminating happiness surrounding them all the time. What I would give to be able to give them that perfect ray of light all the time that they so deserve...What I would give to be the perfect mother they so deserve...What I would give to shield them from feeling any ounce of my despair...
For now I suppose the loves and reassurance that mommy loves them will have to be good enough for now. So I am going to leave you now and go wrap my arms around my kids and tell them I love them and am thankful for the gift of being their mom and we are going to go about our day the best we can.
For the procrastination, try this:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UegIujmGUiY
Keep up the good work. Your fairy godmother is our there. I found mine in that very same video I posted above. You will find yours too.
I use it and it works for me. Be aware that there are many underlying issues that go into procrastination.
For example, I use eating as a tool to enable my procrastination. I had this idea in my head that I have to be busy, always. Eating keeps me busy.
You may also be afraid of what comes after the work is done. Maybe as long as you are procrastinating, your mind is busy. You have something to occupy yourself with. After the work is done, there's nothing else, nothing else that will occupy you. All that stress from the last few weeks will seep into your mind and then what will you do to keep from binging?
Just a thought. Under those circumstances it is difficult to let go of the procrastination, as it serves to protect you from something even worse.
Julia