It is amazing to me how so many people can see something so clearly that you struggle with accepting in yourself. I know that I am a good person on the inside and know that I have a lot to offer the world and to those around me. However, I am not nice to myself. I don't give myself credit for those good things but instead I point out and punish myself for the bad.
I started my self destruction when I was ten years old. I had just gone through a major life change, moving from Kansas where I lived with my mom, two step-siblings, her not good husband, and the new baby they shared together, to Colorado where I would join my father, step-mother, and older brother. I had endured a lot of traumatic events growing up with my mother, non of which were ever intentional. She did the absolute best that a young, 18 year old, could do for her child. But we moved a lot and there were things that I didn't understand at the time. Her marriage to my brothers father brought about some unpleasantries that diminished my self-esteem that I don't think I have ever regained.
When I moved in with my dad there was a lot of adjusting on us all. I went from being the oldest in the house to the youngest; my brother went from being the only one to now having to share everything with me; my parents were trying to figure out a comfortable balance of getting to know me as I was them. I was hating myself for reasons that are no longer important but they pushed me then to hit myself with my hair brushes, fists, kick holes in walls, and try my hardest to inflict such physical pain in hopes it would numb the emotional pain.
I went through all my years in school bouncing from one friendship to the next, always finding some way to sabotage it so no one could ever truly get close to the real me. I was afraid of showing my pain, weakness, hurt, and fear of life. I was trapped in a dark torturous dungeon of self deprecating thoughts and feelings and I felt like I was sentenced to a life of isolation from experiencing the possibilities that when presented would open the door to a world of color, excitement, experiences that exceeded my wildest dreams.
So that is the place I stayed.
I assumed the other girls didn't like me, the boys just wanted a piece of me, my parents were burdened by me, I was an inconvenience to those around me. I hated the way I looked, talked, walked. I hated everything about me. I had no real relationships because I could not have a healthy one with myself. I judged myself based on images in society, images of the popular girls, images of what I thought others wanted me to be. Nothing I did was ever good enough, or so I thought. I had been beaten down so badly, sometimes unintentionally, I started to join in and beat myself down even more.
I prayed time and time again that something awful would happen to me that would put me in a hospital just so I could see if anyone would notice. See if anyone would care that I was there. I begged for a way to escape. Not die, let me clarify that, but just to escape. Eventually I found my way by puking in the toilet, taking ephedrine pills for energy, excessively exercising, not sleeping, and changing my appearance over and over again. None of it cured the pain. It just masked it allowing me a chance to shove it deep into the back of my mind where I would close the door on it and throw away the key.
Now I have come to the realization that by locking away those thoughts and emotions and never dealing with them actually gave them a chance to fester and grow to the point of overpowering that door and bursting free. My relapse into my bulimia has allowed those demons to rise again. I have given them power over me and have come to that deep dark dungeon once again where I have been torturing myself. This much I do know. I have lost my focus on the good points of myself and when I make a mistake or a bad choice, I embed it into my head telling myself that the consequences are justified and I deserve to endure the punishment those consequences have developed.
My closest friends (AMAZING FRIENDS!) today were there to hold my hand, embrace my sobbing and trembling body, talk me through this detrimental breaking point of realization that I have once again beaten myself down so bad that I am truly lost as to how I start honestly, successfully, take care of myself. It was even pointed out that I really do put expectations on myself to be perfect with an image that is not realistic or fair to myself. I really feel lost as to how I put myself first and take care of my needs so I am capable of taking care of my family. I don't know how to look in the mirror and acknowledge to myself that I am a fantastic mother, loving and nurturing; I am a great friend who accepts my friends for who they are unconditionally; I am a loyal, faithful, wonderful wife to the man I was blessed to marry; I am a good person who gives more to others than I give myself. I don't know how to say those things, accept them to be true, embrace them, and take myself to new heights.
I do know that I am at a point in my life that I am ready to face my demons, find a way to move on, find a way to start living joyously. I am grateful that I wake up every day, I have these two amazing children, have my husband, have the amazing friends that have now seen me in a state I have been to afraid to share. I am grateful for the gifts of being able to share my pain with others who might think they are alone. I am grateful for the knowledge that I want to change and that I want a better life for myself, rather than this destructive path I have been on that is literally killing me.
I am ready. I just need to figure out the how now.
From the book Each Day A New Beginning:
"Do not compare yourself with others, for you are a unique and wonderful creation. Make your own beautiful footprints in the snow."
~Barbara Kimball
'Comparissons we make of ourselves to other women do destruction far greater than our conscious minds are aware of...Within any moment might be the opportunity we've awaited...We must not miss our opportunities...How wonderful and how freeing to know that we each offer something uniquely our own...Envy eats at us; it interferes with all of our interactions. It possesses all of our thoughts, caging us, denying us the freedom to achieve that can be ours.'
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