To My Husband, I Apologize.

Tonight I have been presented some challenges, along with some epiphanies.

First I want to apologize to my husband. Scott, I am so sorry that you have had to deal with me being so ill in the many many years we have been together. Through all of the hospital visits, some were weeks at a time, themany surgeries I have endured, and counting the scars there were 8, I am so sorry to have put you through it all. You have been amazing in every aspect as being my rock and holding steadfast throughout it all.

Had I known 11 years ago that I would endure so many surgeries and trying times, I am sure there would be no one who would commit to loving me and supporting me for this long.

It started at 19 when I and my husband found my first lump in my breast, which was the size of a golf ball. I immediately went into surgery to discover it was borderline cancerous and along with it had two others removed. Luckily they were benign. But it set the stage for a life of my body growing things out of my control.

In 2001 I had two other small benign tumors removed from the same breast. I was accused of living a "precarious life" that "resulted in my state". Following that I was hospitalized for a "rare infection of the lining of my organs in my stomach" for a full week and later was hospitalized for a week for hemorrhaging from treatment for endometriosis. I was a mess!

Through it all consistently was a man who later became my husband. He was my strength when I had none.

Then came the accident that forced me to re-learn how to walk and use my back muscles. One that also forced me to loose my job and one that eventually led me to become addicted to pain killers. Not good. Learning to come off of those was like coming off a bad meth addiction and the withdrawls I experienced were so horrific I am surprised Scott stayed with me.

Then came the horrible cystic ruptures on my ovaries, one after the other. So bad that at one point I collapsed at work and was rushed to the hospital where a doctor finally diagnosed me with endometriosis. Shortly thereafter came the news that there was a tumor of some kind growing on the bone in my ethmoid cavity. Of course that resulted in another surgery.

Fast forward to the laproscopy to help me with my endometriosis, which then resulted in another hospital stay because the treatment, a shot which would put me in menopause (NOT FUN) resulted in more hemorrhaging. So comes the verdict get pregnant or have a hysterectomy.

Fast forward another year when I met a doctor who did one more laproscopy in a last ditch effort to avoid the hysterectomy and I got pregnant soon after.

Then was the news of a cystic tumor in my pancreas which was noticed years before but was neglected to be presented to me.

It had not changed over the years til after I first gave birth and then three months later was discovered that it had doubled in size and changed properties so much so that it was advisable to be immediately taken out out of fear that I would develop cancer. So came the removal of half my pancreas plus my spleen. 

Fast forward to giving birth to my second child which soon resulted in the removal of one ovary and eventually my uterus. Not to mention a mole that was "suspicious" but benign but then followed by a removal that turned out to be pre-cancerous lesion.

Now I have to be extremely careful in the sun for I am at a high risk of skin cancer. I have to have vaccinations and flu shots since my immune system is extremely compromised from the removal of my spleen. Added to that my bulimia which has also compromised me. And now I have to have a tooth extracted with a bone graft because I have purged to the extreme, ultimately resulting in a no win situation.

So comes the apology.

Babe, had I known that I would grow so many damn tumors, gotten sick beyond extremes we never saw coming, had difficult pregnancies resulting in so many meds and bed rest, so many hospital visits along with so many surgeries (ha, spinal headache included) I would never have enlisted you to be my partner and put you through so much heart ache, nor would I have put you through my detrimental disease of bulimia, which is now consuming our lifestyle, finances, and well being. I am so sorry.

For all of this, I apologize to you. Scott, I love you and I adore you for being so steadfast, strong, supportive, and my partner through it all.

THANK YOU SCOTT. MY LOVER. MY SOULMATE. MY BEST FRIEND.

I LOVE YOU!