"People don't let us down, it is our expectations of people that let us down."
I had my first interview today with an extremely laid back, kind hearted, amazing woman regarding my blog, the pressures of being a housewife in today's economic times and the need to live up to unfair pressures of complete composure. We talked about how you can turn on the TV and see images of what could be perceived as the perfect housewife.
The conversation focused mainly on the example of 'Desperate Housewives' and the first image that came to ligt was Eva Longoria as the perfectly beautiful wife. She portrays the most unique of them all as I don't believe you will find many people like her in today's society. I tend to lean towards the characters of Lynette and Bree. I find myself struggling to balance both worlds that they seem to portray. Lynette is scattered and overwhelmed with the demands of her kids, chores of the house, medical issues, all the while trying to find balance with her marriage.
All of those things I find myself struggling with on a day to day basis.
Bree on the other hand has dealt with so much turmoil that it has scarred her emotionally. Part of which lead her to turn to alcohol, as I find myself doing from time to time, as a coping mechanism. She fights within herself to hide her addiction from the outside world and in doing so, puts up a front of the perfectly composed, properly dressed woman, baking goodies, and presenting a distraction from her imperfections with her perfectly clean, poslished house and attire. Something I have tried my hardest to do, but in doing so have lost valuable time with myself, my kids and my husband.
So where do we draw the line?
I was then asked the question as to what pushed me to start purging and I am not sure I answered in the best of my ability, might I remind you I have never been in front of a camera, and I am now processing my answer in my head as I wish I had in front of that electronic device that in no way could understand my thoughts the way I once expected my scale to.
Contrary to what most might think, I did not intend to loose the amount of weight I did, nor did I intend to become so obsessed with body image.
I was not "fat" nor was I "skinny". I was a woman who had just had my second child and I was perfect then for who I was supposed to be. I turned to the purging for the one reason of control. I was loosing all control over the events of my life at the time. The economy was taking a horrible downturn, my poor husband was being forced into an impossible position with his job, I was putting unrealistic expectations on things that I had no business even trying to, and we, or maybe it was I who, truley began to drown. We went from happily surviving to the point of drowning that we were grasping onto arm floaties to keep our heads above water financially. My coping mechanism with our newfound stresses quickly became the purging.
I started to think about how everywhere I turned was someone who's life was so much more manageable, perfect, and full of the promise and stability I was aching for. They had the perfectly put together homes, the perfect hair, clothes, nails and even shoes, the perfect family life with gifts, get togethers and projects that we never seemed to have time or opportunity for. But once I looked deeper past the surface of what was being presented to the outside world, I discovered each one of those homes I had envied so much, had the same despair I was dealing with, only each circumstance varied. Some were dealing with divorce, others with addicts, a few with chaos that never made any sense to anyone. And each was dealing with it in their own ways. Alcohol for some, denial for others, and for me, bulimia.
We each are faced with similar and compelety different challenges that affect us in the same ways emotionally, but we each cope in our own ways. The one thing I think we all have in common is we see the images of housewives portrayed on our televisions, prime-time dramas or even day-time soaps, and we feel the need to follow in those portrayals. For me, it was trying to dress in the cutsie tops, tight skinny jeans, perfectly clean house, stick thin body (most of what you would see a woman on TV portraying), none of which made me any happier.
I don't know if ever there was a time when a woman on television portrayed an image of a housewife that was true to it's time. Ifind myself thinking back to one sitcom in particular, Leave it to Beaver. His mother, June Cleaver, was always in a proper dress, high heels, apron, cleaning and baking, serving dinner on the table when her husband got home, happily smiling 24/7.
I am perplexed to think that living like that can even be possible. Can it?
For me absolutely no way in hell could I have dinner on the table the same time every night, bake all the time (and not gain 200 pounds from all the sampling of the goodies I was baking), smile constantly, look as good as she did day in and day out, have the laundry all caught up all the time...I am exhausted even thinking of the possibility. The one thing I do know, is that if I lived that kind of a life, I would probably miss out on the little things that I am finding mean more to me than a clean house. Those being the moments of growing and developing my kids experience on a daily basis.
I still feel like the cross between Bree and Lynette are closer to reality than most would like to admit. If only I could have the outgoing voice that Lynette posesses then maybe I could rid myself completely of pouring my voice into the toilet...
"It is who I am, not what I do, that makes me worthwhile..."
Then the question came up as to why blog about my life and my journey.
It's funny because I am not sure what the one reason was or even if there was one reason. I just knew that if I continued on the path I was on, lying to those around me, lying to myself, I was eventually going to end up in a deep dark spot that I am almost sure of, I would never have been able to get out of. I most likely would have let my thoughts and actions consume me to a state of self destruction that scares me now to even imagine. I turned 30 and looked around at the house I had, the two precious children I had produced, and my husband with whom I could not imagine my life without. I just knew I needed to change and the only way I could truely work on making that change was by being openly honest with those around me and myself. So the blogging began.
Right now, at this very moment, I am questioning my decision to blog.
Questioning the importance of sharing my experiences with the world. and I find myself automatically thinking that I am kidding myself of the amount of people whom I am hoping that might even be glancing at my writings. All of the sudden I am not sure that I am holding any kind of importance to anyone with this information.
Funny isn't it?
I started off motivated and excited with these reflections and now, I have this burning desire to cry. Incredibly I am second guessing myself and the meaning behind the events of today as I thought they should be, but seem to be playing out into something different. So comes the question I must now ask myself.
Have my expectations once again let me down?
"they say that pain is inecitable but suffering is optional. If I learn to accept that pain is part of life, I will be better able to enure the difficult imes and then move on, leaving the pain behind me"
"...difficulties remind us that oaks grow string in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure..."
~~ Peter Marshell
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