Self Sabotage

 This past weekend was one for my books. I have gone through an eccentric amount of outstandingly shocking emotions and events. I had hoped that I had enough strength and faith in myself to handle this roller coaster weekend better but found that it was habitually easier to slip into my efficacious behavior to find power. Power to change the course of events and power to feel in control. It wasn't until just this morning that I have come to the conclusion that I knew was so obvious, I can't control, change or even delete the events of the past weekend, I need to let it go and realize that today is a brand new day. A day that I can only control my reaction to events as they present themselves to me. 

 My husband, bless his soul, works so hard to provide for our family. He gets up, goes to work, comes home, and helps me process the day that he missed with the kids. It once was a commonality that he was always away from home on long jobs, far away trips, and many weekends gone. Fortunately in his new duties his job has provided him the opportunity to be close to home on most occasions which we sometimes take for granted. I say this because in the past 2 weeks he has only been home for two days and it has tested every last ounce of my patience, strength, and willpower in my quest for health.

 I say over and over again, day in and day out, that today is the day that I am no longer going to purge. I am so over it, I am in control, I am not weak. But I am sitting here laughing at myself because I am such a hypocrite. Take this weekend for example. Scott left for Texas on Sunday and I had a much harder time processing it than usual. Maybe it was the deep knot in my stomach warning me that something bad was going to happen. I could not shake the feeling for the life of me. I chose to channel that energy into making something good of my day. I had a brief lapse in judgement while changing the sheets on my sons bed when the sheet got stuck on the frame and in a furry I yanked so hard, you can probably guess it, I ripped his sheets. Anger started to take over and I had to tell myself that I could go with it or I could change it. I took my anger and transformed it into an ambitious spunk that ended with his room completely rearranged and spotless. His room became more practical for cleanliness (a mother can only hope), productive play areas, and a sense of calm that his room had desperately been lacking. I was on a role. Next was the office, kids bathroom, and finally my daughters room. I was exhausted by days end but the transformations were so ginormous that I found myself taking pictures. You might laugh but any stay at home, or even working, mother will agree that moments of absolute cleanliness is very short lived and the rest of the days are spent frantically trying to chase after the kids cleaning one mess after another and another and another and so on. My day was great. I was proud of myself and felt amazing. I put the kids to bed, treated myself to a glass of wine, and found solitude under my own sheets in my chaotic room that has in itself been neglected.

 It all got very dramatic for me around 2:30 in the morning when I was startled awake for the fifth time. This time it was my daughter who had a bad dream. I shuffled her back to bed and in my groggy state attempted to stumble back to bed. That is when the excruciation pain took over in my foot, I started to see the BRIGHTEST donut shaped light transform in my vision while everything else was fading to black. The sound of ringing and rushing waves took over and I forced myself to make it to my room before I passed out. I had stubbed my foot on a wooden chair and in the morning would wake to find it swollen and bruised beyond the toes. I decided to have it checked by the doctor since we are planning on a trip to Vegas followed by Disneyland in a couple of weeks. I definitely want my foot to be in great walking condition so I can chase my toddler when he decides to take off after something cool. The doctor was sure it was broken but to his dismay, the x-ray showed there was no need for an insanely inconvenient cast. Thank God. But it didn't stop the pain and swelling, so he sent me home with orders to stay off my foot. Does he not realize the impossibility of that with two kids and an out of the state husband...Then comes the car that I drove to the doctors just fine only to come out and find that it too is broken. A friend comes and spends an hour trying to jump start it, I am in tears over the pain and stress, making 50 different phone calls trying to figure out how to get my daughter to and from school, pick up medicine and survive without a car. Thankfully I have amazing friends and family who helped me through it all, but what do I do? I over analyze and obsess. These are common problems we all face but I am not processing it as I suppose I should. Instead I deal with the stress that was inevitable and I chose to try and find my control. My power. I purged and it made me feel worse. Time for bed, I told myself and when I wake up it will be a new day. I would be done with the purging.

 Next day comes and I am not feeling any better. The pain medicine has put me in such a fog that I literally want to dig a 6 foot hole, lay down, and sleep in peace. Peace would not come. Every time I tried to lay on the couch I was showered with demands of chocolate milk, waffles, new movies, mama I need this, mama do that, mama, mama, mama...I wanted to scream! Now I usually can handle this better but I felt like I was drowning. I had been so much better with my eating disorder and would maybe purge at the end of the day, for reasons I am still trying to figure out, but I found myself at 10 in the morning, without thinking or even realizing, standing in the kitchen, mindlessly feeding myself with food. Food I don't normally eat anymore and once I started I couldn't stop. I kept telling myself that this is a point I could stop and be OK but I wasn't buying it. The binge got bigger and bigger until I physically started to feel sick. Then came the purge. A purge I thought would turn my day around as it once did. Only this time it made me feel worse. A few hours later came the next binge followed by an even more, emotionally worse, purge. For some reason I had lost all control. I had become weak. I spent my day in such a depressed state of self-sabotage. I chose horribly wrong and spent the day punishing myself for making such a bad mistake. My friend Kiele would call this the "Flat Tire Effect". As she would say when coaching you on nutrition and exercise choices, "when you are driving down the road and you get a flat tire, what do you do" (I would call someone), she continues, "you get out and change the tire and get back on the road. You don't go around to all four tires and pop them all. It's the same with nutrition and your choices." I could choose when I binge to let it go and know that my next meal will get me back on track and keep going up from there. Instead I am the one who gets out and pops all of my tires. I continue to sabotage myself and I don't know why. This in part is what is fueling me to find my path to recovery. Although if I keep popping my tires I am not going to make it to the end of the road.

  I woke up today with my mind set that today I can make a new brighter future. I choose right now in this moment to accept that I cannot change the events of the past weekend nor how I chose to react. Instead, today I can choose to be conscious of the choices I am about to make and ask myself what I will feel with the end result of my actions. Will it make me happier, will it set me up for self-sabotage, will it be regretful or acceptable. I am pledging to make today count. I need, well actually, I WANT to have one day. One day of no purging. One day of control over my actions and my disease. One day to feel what I should allow myself to feel every day. I cannot say what today will bring. I can say that for now, I am letting go, accepting that I am not perfect, nor should I try to be, and take the events one stride at a time. Even now, I am feeling a self-sabotaging moment boiling deep inside and am fighting to deflect it...