Changing my outlook...Can it realy be so simple?

I am sitting here trying desperately hard to hold my cool today. I don't know if it is exhaustion from the previous week we have had or if it is the pure annoyance of my two year old and his temper tantrums. Or maybe it is my daughters defiant attitude screaming four year old going on 16 or maybe my husbands absolute chaotic schedule that seems determined to make this week hell. I'm thinking it is a combination of all of it along with the fact that I am so angry with myself that I cannot seem to pull it together and get over this stupid eating disorder. I know it takes time to recover and heal but would it not be nice if it could happen over night!

Last night I got a call from my good friend Christy and she had heard of this idea she wanted to share with me. I was supposed to fill a glass with water and ice, make a wish into this glass, put my hand over it and then throw it out the door into the universe. It sounds kind of kooky I know, but yet it sounds so intriguing. I never did it last night because in all of my efforts I could not come up with a single wish. But, right now, as I write all of this, it hits me plain as day, why don't I wish for the strength to just stop. Stop more purging. Simple. Easy. Right? Ha! But could a wish really cure me that easily? Part of me wants to say it would and take my wish and throw it out to the universe but the rational, or maybe it's the skeptic in me, says absolutely not. You know, I never was one to have a lot of faith or any specific belief that there is a Higher Power that can help me and guide me. For me it was sort of like as long as I can see it then I believe it. So wishing doesn't entirely come easily to me. Instead I harbor my wishes and wants and tuck them away afraid of what might actually happen if I relent and let go of them. Will a Higher Power take them, process them and return them to me in the form of answers? Will that same Higher Power take them and laugh at the insane notion that I felt I actually deserved those wishes and wants and in turn hand me the exact opposite? Or will the most obvious answer to myself, be that absolutely nothing happens and I am left feeling like a fool for believing in something so silly? Even now I am not sure what I think. I probably need to stop over analyzing, which is something I do frequently and will touch on that later.

It is amazing to me that I started of writing because I was having such a hard time hanging onto my sanity today and now I am thinking about how easily some people can change their mindset in an instant, without struggle. I have this mind that wanders and jumps from thought to thought without struggle, but when it comes to changing my mindset, my mood, my decision making, I cannot seem to grasp a hold of the tools to make it happen. When Christy was over here a while back I noticed that her mood was off in a way I had never witnessed before. Normally I would not call someone, other than my husband, out on their mood but I found myself asking her what was wrong because this was not the Christy I knew. Immediately I found myself regretting the question out of fear that I had terribly offended her but her response surprised me just as quickly as my fear had set in once I opened my big mouth. She stopped and tilted her head a little, took a breath, and said "You are right. I'm not like this, this isn't me. I need to fix it. Thank you for pointing it out to me and I need to just let go...". Just like that she started smiling and was instantaneously the bubbly Christy I have grown so fond of. I was floored. To witness someone flick a switch and choose to be happy with a seamless ease I had never imagined was even possible, still in this moment makes me speechless. I was jealous because I have not yet understood how to use the tools I have to make that same movement. Today I brought that moment up to her and she looked at me, matter of factly, and said "You CAN do it Jenn. It's easy and you just have to use the right tools". Even though I was processing her words and understood exactly what she was saying, knowing how incredibly right she was, I felt my anxiety levels start to rise and my stomach start churning. Why is it so hard for me to believe what she is saying when I know it to be true and possible.  And this happens on so many occasions. I know I am capable of making different choices and changing my outlook, attitudes, moods, reactions, etc. So why can I not believe it myself. I can barely look at a piece of paper and in my own writing put the words, 'you are worth it' or 'you deserve this' down and believe it...Maybe it is that evil little voice in the back of my head that has been so plausible at telling me how not worth it I am and what kind of failure I have become that keeps me from being capable of seeing a different kind of truth. A truth I think might exist but I am hesitant to give into. Truth that I don't need purging to make me feel complete. And it hits me. Fear. I think I have just realized that Fear is a monumental piece to my puzzle. Am I afraid of being healthy and happy and, in my case of bulimia, sober? I don't think I am just fueled by fear but I am utterly terrified of what is to come, or not come. Maybe now, since I have just said this to the world, it would be a good time to start exploring my fear...And again my mind has jumped.