A while ago I had begun to attend regular Al-anon meetings in part, to support a friend I had reconnected with but also in part to maybe figure out where some of my issues were stemming from. I felt at the time like it was a legitimate thing to do since I had grown up surrounded by alcoholics. Maybe if I could get a better understanding of what an alcoholics addiction was like and how it affected other people I might just be able to understand a little more about myself and my addiction. Now, I must say to you, that I am not blaming any of the alcoholics in my life for my developing an eating disorder or for my relapse or for my being just plain screwed up. My dad used to have this saying that went something like this..."You screw me once, shame on you. You screw me twice, shame on me". Living by that saying how can I logically blame an alcoholic or an abuser, and yes there have been quite a few, for my end resulting reactions. So I went to an Al-anon meeting and was instantly intrigued feeling the need to share my pains and sufferings, which I remind you, I have learned pain is inevitable and suffering is optional. I found these meetings as a great release from the suffering I was choosing to endure.
Let me quickly, without great detail for now, remind you that I have been estranged from my father for many years mainly in part because of my eating disorder and the false realities it can create for both the sufferer and the loved ones close to. When things got out of control with my husbands job and the negative toll it took on our family and living arrangements, I had at the same time decided to reach out to my father and try to salvage a future that was and still is rocky and uncertain. I was attending regular meetings, remembering many of the painful events from my childhood, not only from my father and step mother but also from my grandfather and at the time my mother whom I was once estranged from as well. On a side note, my mother and I have rekindled our relationship, as she lives by the philosophy that you always love your children with an unconditional love no matter what, and now I see her as one of my absolute best friends. Granted, our past has not been without its many trivial flaws, but we have found a way to move past them and focus on the here and now. My father and I, we are working on it and I have a kind of notion that one day things will work themselves out. But first, I need to work myself out.
So I found myself attending these Al-anon meetings, dealing with a close friend whom I felt had used me to aid her alcoholic addiction and I let nudge me back into my old habits of drinking too much, not eating enough, exercising ridiculously, and ultimately purging. These meetings were also bringing up memories for me that I had so desperately blocked out of my mind for many years because ignoring these issues was much more simple than resolving them. I was finally coming to terms with myself that facing my past, forgiving and letting go would aid me in my own self recovery. Slowly I was finding a way of dealing with them when I was presented a dramatic, sad, and challenging situation where for the first time I was able to step up in a way I never imagined possible and help find a resolution.
My mother had been left, almost as quickly as a tornado that leaves its destruction with no warning, by her alcoholic husband of more than 10 years. It was really the worst kind of divorce because in a matter of days her husband had gone from muttering the words "I love you", to completely disappearing without a trace which was leading us to the point of being moments away from filing a missing persons report, and then out of nowhere only 3 days later there were divorce papers being delivered on her doorstep. It only took me a moment to know that I was the one who could help her and instantly my family and I were on our way to another state to assist her in getting her belongings packed, find a place to store them until she found a new home and support her in every way possible, emotionally and physically. It was a trying time but we all knew it was for the better. My mom would be better off without him and I must say, she has done an amazing job at starting a new life on her own. As difficult as it was seeing her go through that event, it was at the same time liberating to be the one coming to the rescue. As much as I was able to show strength and composure through it all, it was truly an emotionally draining time, as this was the first time I had seen her in almost 3 years, which was not the reunion I had quite imagined.
When we got home I was exhausted and found myself sharing my adventure at a meeting. I had been under the impression that these meetings were a safe place to "dump" without expectations of any response. Instead I was greatly overwhelmed with the many responses people shared with me most of them expressing what they thought I "should" be doing or what I "must" do to get on track. Now if you met my once therapist whom I adored, you would be listening to her saying you need to stop "shoulding on yourself" and stop "musterbating". I went from feeling safe and anonymous in this group to feeling like the one everyone was judging, dissecting, while trying to dictate what my reaction should be. I wanted to cower on the floor and crawl out as fast as I could without having to talk to any of them as I was mortified. I never attended a meeting again. Instead I would find myself binging and purging even the events of trying to rekindle a relationship with my father, and the constant need of upholding an image of perfection, I was in overload. I felt I had no escape route from the stress and definitely did not feel comfortable attending any kind of meetings. I was feeling lonely in my emotional battles and found that my solace was with the little white porcelain throne in my bathroom. I longed for a place where I could go and release my thoughts without judgement like I once had in the Al-anon meetings. I longed for a non-objective soul to talk to who could give me a non-biased insight. I could not afford therapy any more as it was getting quite expensive trying to be healthy, between the nutritionist, monthly doctor check-ins, and of course the buying of food that I would eat and eat only to purge later. I was drowning.
How I got from there to here is kind of a blur at this moment. I know that the more I write, the more I come to remember and realize. I know that I have been clouded by my fear of the unknown. My fear of being judged in more ways than one. My fear of what healthy will look like for me. Am I going to be fat when I am healthy? Am I going to look old and worn when I am healthy? Will my kids be embarrassed by me when they get older? Am I going to be happier being healthy? Will my husband still love me the same or will he love me less? I could go on and on with what things scare me. For now though, I still open my Al-anon books and find readings that inspire a bright spot in my day, I play with my kids and find time to share laughs with them, and I reach out to my closest friends for a pick me up when I am feeling down. Each day is a new day, some of which I struggle to find my way through, but for today, I am feeling quite good. I think today has the potential of being great and I will fight to remain strong throughout. I find that writing and sharing my deepest and sometimes darkest thoughts with the world actually give me a comfort and a release from the stirring emotions that encompass my mind. Will I find enough solace in my writings to take control of the eating disorder that has me feeling shackled to it with no key, I can only hope and believe that there is an end in sight. For now though, I will be happy with a way to break that chain...
When we got home I was exhausted and found myself sharing my adventure at a meeting. I had been under the impression that these meetings were a safe place to "dump" without expectations of any response. Instead I was greatly overwhelmed with the many responses people shared with me most of them expressing what they thought I "should" be doing or what I "must" do to get on track. Now if you met my once therapist whom I adored, you would be listening to her saying you need to stop "shoulding on yourself" and stop "musterbating". I went from feeling safe and anonymous in this group to feeling like the one everyone was judging, dissecting, while trying to dictate what my reaction should be. I wanted to cower on the floor and crawl out as fast as I could without having to talk to any of them as I was mortified. I never attended a meeting again. Instead I would find myself binging and purging even the events of trying to rekindle a relationship with my father, and the constant need of upholding an image of perfection, I was in overload. I felt I had no escape route from the stress and definitely did not feel comfortable attending any kind of meetings. I was feeling lonely in my emotional battles and found that my solace was with the little white porcelain throne in my bathroom. I longed for a place where I could go and release my thoughts without judgement like I once had in the Al-anon meetings. I longed for a non-objective soul to talk to who could give me a non-biased insight. I could not afford therapy any more as it was getting quite expensive trying to be healthy, between the nutritionist, monthly doctor check-ins, and of course the buying of food that I would eat and eat only to purge later. I was drowning.
How I got from there to here is kind of a blur at this moment. I know that the more I write, the more I come to remember and realize. I know that I have been clouded by my fear of the unknown. My fear of being judged in more ways than one. My fear of what healthy will look like for me. Am I going to be fat when I am healthy? Am I going to look old and worn when I am healthy? Will my kids be embarrassed by me when they get older? Am I going to be happier being healthy? Will my husband still love me the same or will he love me less? I could go on and on with what things scare me. For now though, I still open my Al-anon books and find readings that inspire a bright spot in my day, I play with my kids and find time to share laughs with them, and I reach out to my closest friends for a pick me up when I am feeling down. Each day is a new day, some of which I struggle to find my way through, but for today, I am feeling quite good. I think today has the potential of being great and I will fight to remain strong throughout. I find that writing and sharing my deepest and sometimes darkest thoughts with the world actually give me a comfort and a release from the stirring emotions that encompass my mind. Will I find enough solace in my writings to take control of the eating disorder that has me feeling shackled to it with no key, I can only hope and believe that there is an end in sight. For now though, I will be happy with a way to break that chain...
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