"You Make Me So Happy"

  I sit here thinking about actually using happiness as my topic today. I was full on convinced last night that it was the 'perfect' follow up to my previous post. Maybe it was the wine that gave me that overbearing sense of assurance that I was onto something good. I pulled out my dictionary, which has become one of my best friends, and grabbed my pen and paper and the thoughts, ideas, and brilliant flow chart developed. Then I went to bed, exhausted, woke today and spent most of the day doubting myself. Why do I constantly continue to beat myself down day in and day out? Why can I not trust myself that I may actually be on to something good?  It all comes with the mindset that I have programed in me over the past 15 years or so; but it is part of what inspires me to make a better choice. To be happy.

  It is amazing to me how and where we get our inspirations. I was sitting with my daughter watching a movie last night and she looked at me with an innocence that can only come from a four year old.  Her mind seemed heavy and then she said to me, "Mom...you make me so happy. You are the best mommy ever...". Now this is the same little girl  I yell at sometimes for absolutely no apparent reason.  The same one that tells me that it is OK that we don't have enough money to buy the toys she wants, or that it is OK I yelled at her because, "it was an accident mommy".  The same one that made me stop dead in my tracks and start to think about what makes me happy. Granted my children make me happy, most of the time, and I have a good life, but what TRULY makes me happy?  So I began to strategicly plan my next blog when she hits me with another question. "Mom, does money make people happy?"  I was floored. Apparently while I was in la-la land thinking, a line on the movie prompted yet another innocent question. And a good one at that. So again I ask myself, what makes me happy...is it money? Does money equal happiness?

  In comes the dictionary. Happy, "feeling or showing pleasure or contentment; fortunate; lucky".  There it is. Fortunate. "Lucky; Prosperous; Blessed". My mind is going now. The word prosperous is sticking like glue. Isn't that the same as money in a sense? My mind seems to think so. But happiness from money can't be forever, can it? I know those moments when my husband gets a great paycheck with bonuses that seem long overdue. The happiness and relief sets in for we can now pay those bills and even get a lil something for ourselves. Then, like a lightening strike, the money is gone and we are left stressed about making it to the next payday, praying no one gets sick, yet again. It's like we are hung-over from a bad night of binge drinking. How can anyone be happy living like that? So I handle the hangover the best way I know how...binging and purging. Wow. That stress is gone. But then comes the next stressor. So for me, money equals stressor, and nope; not happy.

  So then what makes me happy?  The next word that sticks in my mind is "lucky".  I sure am that in more ways than one! Luck can be brought on by accident or even serendipity. Destiny.  Is it our accidental lessons we almost always seem to encounter that guide us a step closer to finding our true happiness? Are we destined to lean on fate and chance to bring us to discovering the identity of what makes us happy in an effort to embrace it for life?  It would seem that in my quest to answer that innocent question brought forth to me, I have sent my mind on a hunt that seems to have now brought me more questions than answers.  I am slowly and cautiously coming to an understanding with myself, that in order to really succeed in my quest to being healthy, I must first figure out what happiness means to me. I cannot just say that my goal is "to be happy". I need to grasp a hold of where I want to be in terms of eternal bliss. I need to know what I can hold onto as a long term goal. Money is short lived and even some of the filthy rich seem unhappy in their lives.

  I guess the only thing right now that I can full heartedly answer to my daughter is that money does not make me happy.  I do know that my kids make me happy. When I hear the sweetest, and sometimes not so sweet, words come out of the little innocent mouths of my two and four year old, I get tickled pink. Yes, no matter how ridiculously funny it sounds, tickled pink is listed as a synonym for happy.  I am now laughing at myself  because my mind wanders to the book we are reading, 'Pinkalicious'.  My face is flushed with embarrassment at myself for feeling so ridiculously child like and then it hits me...I feel happy. Maybe I need to stop trying so hard to be so  perfectly adult-like all the time and instead, sit back, enjoy the little things, and laugh more.  Maybe it's the little things that I need to hold onto. Maybe the little things will bring me that one step closer to ridding myself of my perfectly bad secret.