Before I really get into this post, I must first say that I am ABSOLUTELY grateful for my friends and the wonderful things they bring into my life. I honestly cannot say what my life would be like without them. I can say without a doubt that I have no negative feelings for any of them and the beauty of our friendships is how we can identify with one another, we can be open and honest, and we can own up to what we may feel has been a mistake and make it right. As one of my greatest friends just shared with me today, "Trust is knowing that you can be transparently honest with your friend. It's the assurance that your deepest secrets, your strongest desires, your biggest dreams, even your worst mistakes are safe in the hands of another. It's believing that your friend will not betray your confidence. It's knowing she has your best ...interest at heart." Melody Carlson...I especially needed to hear this one today!
I went clothes shopping for the first time in a LOOONG time and let me tell you, it was extremely difficult. My day has been great and I started it off with an AMAZINGLY refreshing workout. It wasn't until I actually walked through the doors of the store that I immediately panicked. I felt so utterly lost. So I did exactly what I have always done. I went straight to the Juniors Department. Yes, I know. JUNIORS. I am a 30 year old mom and I should NOT be dressing like a teenager. I should be dressing my age, with the understanding that I can still look cute. But for the past year I have been buying size 3 jeans and XS shirts. I had "Chicken leg skinny" arms and flabby skin on where once resided a butt. I had bones for hips, bones for knees (some of which I never knew existed before) and my hair had more volume than my body. Something, by the way, I did not notice or really SEE until the past month.
Now back to shopping. I instinctively went for the size 3 jeans and put them back. I grabbed a 7. In one clearance brand a 9. I must remind you that this is in the Juniors Department still. I knew that I would be lucky if they fit the way I wanted them to. They didn't. I saw in the mirror this incredibly disproportionately large body with a belly like a basketball, thighs like a sumo wrestler, and hips as wide as the Arabian Sea. Now I know this is not a realistic image of what I look like to the outside world, but this is my reality as I see myself. I wanted to cry. My body was flushed and I was burning hot with an emotion I cannot describe. I immediately got dressed and put away most of the clothes I had grabbed with the exception of an extremely cute top. I went over to the misses thinking that I would have an entirely different experience only to discover that I was drowning. I grabbed a few items that I thought looked decent enough for public, paid, and ran out of the store.
I had a seemingly similar experience a few weeks back when, once again, I was shopping for jeans. I guess once you have embedded something into your head as brutally as I have, it is really hard to change your way of thinking. I was wearing a size 3 and now, realistically, I have to go up in size. I know that I am getting healthy. I know that I have developed muscle, not gained fat. I know that my body is transforming in a way I have never in my life experienced. I have been told by my closest friends and even some strangers, that I look good. Amazing. Beautiful. So why can I not see it most of the time? I do have days that I would agree. I have days that I will be the first one to say that I am looking great. But why, today for example, do I focus on the negative so much. I am buying what I think looks good because I think it makes me look "skinny". Is that healthy? No. My dearest, closest, greatest friend, Kendra*, told me today that I look fabulous and amazing but some of the jeans I recently chose are skin tight. Just because they are smaller doesn't mean they make you look better. She is absolutely, 100%, RIGHT. I KNOW she is right. To have this woman tell you that you look amazing is in itself, an honor. Kendra is amazing herself and one of my greatest inspirations! So why can I not hear the positive she keeps trying to embed into my head? Right now, I am at a loss for words. I cannot answer that one.
I, once again, want to say that I TRUST my friends beyond a level of trust I have ever experienced. These friends make me feel like I am living in a life of Sex and the City or even Desperate Housewives. We come together and can be honest in a way that you cannot in the confines of your home life or the public world that frankly, has no business knowing your, for lack of better word, sh... We don't judge each other and we can call each other out on their faults of the moment. We don't lash out and we don't sugar coat the truth. We hold each other accountable and we forgive our faults. For this, I am blessed and grateful. I could not ask for a better circle of friends. I adore my time with my friends and I can only hope, that in my distorted thinking's and visions of myself, they can see past my biggest imperfection, self-doubt, and hold onto the good that I know I possess. You know, I don't hope for this because they already do. I hope that one day I, myself, can look past my imperfections and learn to grasp onto the positives over the negatives and love myself the same way they do. For now, though, I will cherish those moments when I walk past a mirror, glance over and say, "WOW. I look amazing".
friends are the gift of life
ReplyDelete